Behind Her Mask
by Basement Cat
Summary: Ivypool sheds the mask she hides behind and has a heart-to-heart talk with Hollyleaf about mistakes and regrets. This is set just before The Last Hope.


I wanted to make a short story in an attempt to flesh out more of Ivypool's character and how she interacts with Hollyleaf. Those two didn't get enough chapters with the two of them speaking to each other and I would have loved to have seen them interact more as both are quite similar to one another.

Disclaimer: Warriors Cats belongs to Erin Hunter! This story is purely fanon.

* * *

Ivypool awoke from her dream in a fit of unrest. Last night had not been as rigorous as it usually was, but she was instructed to observe Hollowflight's training, while also under Brokenstar's scrutinizing stare. Her insides were squirming with discomfort. She could risk her own safety, but the idea of training an innocent to cat to kill was like thorns imbedded in her pelt. Said pelt was also covered in scraps of feathers and moss. She shook them off and quickly licked her pelt clean of the blood crusting her fur. _At least it isn't blood from killing... _Her blood felt cold. A small queasy feeling was building in her stomach, but it was tolerable. _Why am I thinking about that now of all times?_

Ivypool felt her legs begin to shake._ You have to calm down. _She told herself this in her head as she stretched out her aching muscles. Okay, maybe last night's training was tougher than she had thought_. Go join the dawn patrol or hunting if you can. _She flinched as she realized what she was doing_. Okay...stop talking to yourself. _Ivypool visibly shuddered. _Great StarClan, am I finally losing my mind?_

She groggily slinked outside of the apprentices den, careful not to wake Dovewing and Hollyleaf in her haste to leave. It felt smothering in there with so many cats. However, the warriors den was much more cramped._ Cherrypaw and Molepaw aren't taking up half the den, so they must have gone with Rosepetal and Foxleap. _She looked up at the sky and blanched. _The sun hasn't even risen yet!_

Ivypool scented the air with her nose. She caught whiff of Brambleclaw, Rosepetal, Sandstorm and Molepaw's scent. It wafted off towards the entrance to camp, which Spiderleg was currently watching. He didn't look happy to be there so early.

"Good morning, Ivypool," Bumblestripe called cheerfully to her as she padded over towards the freshkill pile on her way to the camp entrance. "Where's Dovewing?" _It figures he'd be over here, and of course, the _only_ cat awake. _

"Asleep." Ivypool bluntly replied. She was glad her sister was happy now and over Tigerheart, but StarClan's kits, this tom was annoying! _Don't get me involved please! _"I have to leave, I want to catch the dawn patrol." She quickly walked by the annoying tom then over to the guarded camp entrance. _My belly's too queasy to eat anything and Jayfeather would definitely pick up something was wrong if I went to the medicine den. I'm on my own here._

"Tell Dovewing I'll be on the dusk patrol later on!"

Ivypool ignored him and skidded to a hault in front of the entrance to camp where Spiderleg groggily stood on a rock. "Why are you leaving camp and where are you going?" he grumbled.

"I'm going to catch up to Brambleclaw's morning patrol." she replied rather short-tempered. "Their scent is over towards this direction."_ What other direction would it be? It's the only way out of camp! _She privately keep her irritation to herself. _Stubborn cat._

"He's leading the hunting patrol, not the dawn patrol." Spiderleg replied with an edge to his voice.

_ Isn't it the same in the morning? _

"I guess I'll go hunting then." Ivypool did not like the skinny tom that much, but he was a good warrior. She could tolerate him.

"You'd better hurry then before you lose their scent."

_ He is right about that. _

She scented the air once again, catching a whiff of the patrol. _They're not far off, I can still catch them!_

"I'll go with you."

Ivypool whipped back around at the sudden noise and came forehead to nose with a disheveled Hollyleaf. She must have disturbed the dark warrior in her sleep, as Hollyleaf didn't look very happy to be awake.

"I despise mornings," Hollyleaf hissed, while vainly licking a tuft of stuck up fur on her shoulder. "The sun is always too bright."

"Why wake up so early then?" Ivypool respected the green-eyed warrior, but sometimes what she said made no sense.

"You stepped on my tail as you left the den, which of course woke me up," Hollyleaf replied, "So I've decided to do something useful besides laying around camp all day. Besides, I want to catch a vole. There hasn't been a single one caught in two moons now."

Ivypool tilted her head in confusion. "What's the difference between a vole and other prey?" _Does it really matter?_

Hollyleaf gave Ivypool a scrutinizing stare. "There is an everything to voles. I do not want mice or minnows, I want a vole." She stopped and paused. "We should hurry before we lose their trail. Standing here discussing prey and other trivial matters will get us nowhere." Hollyleaf padded off at a moderately fast pace.

_ Like I said, a weird cat. Minnows?_

"Makes sense." Ivypool lied as she followed behind the long legged warrior on her own short legs. _I wouldn't mind a sparrow myself..._

Suddenly, an idea popped into her head. "Why not just go on our own hunting trip?" she meowed. "We could catch some voles and sparrows in the woods by the ShadowClan border. Maybe a squirrel too!" Ivypool was really starting to like the idea.

"It isn't a bad idea," Hollyleaf mused in front of her. "However, we should still inform Brambleclaw of any unscheduled hunting patrols and change of plans. We're not far off, actually, and I even see-" Hollyleaf collided with a lump of brown and black fur that was blocking their way to Brambleclaw. As Ivypool looked around and struggled not to show her amusement, she realized the lump of fur _was _Brambleclaw. He didn't seem the slightest bit aware that a cat had just bumped into him. The black warrior quickly backed away from the deputy, fur burning in embarrassment.

"In hindsight, I shouldn't have been so careless..."

"Ivypool? Hollyleaf?" Brambleclaw looked surprised to see her and Hollyleaf. "This was unexpected."

A white face popped out of the nearby bushes, startling Ivypool. Cloudtail tended to do that a lot with cats, she noticed. "I could scent them following us from camp. Are you here to join the hunting patrol?"

"Actually, we're here to get permission from Brambleclaw to go on an unscheduled hunting trip." Hollyleaf replied.

Brambleclaw looked thoughtful as he pondered their question. "As long as you catch something."

"We will." Ivypool meowed. She felt excitement bubbling beneath her pelt. _A hunting trip is just what I need! _Both she and Hollyleaf nodded thanks to their deputy and sprinted off towards the oak woods of in the northeast of their territory. She could do for a sparrow. No, she could do for a distraction. Her thoughts began to darken as she thought about her dream. _No! I cannot think about this. It cannot be changed. I did what I had to do. I can't risk showing my emotions, especially around Hollyleaf. _That cat could stare down an owl and win_. She's too observant._

* * *

It was a little after the sun had risen that they arrived at their destination.

All the way there, Hollyleaf had possibly stepped on every single twig noticeable, not even sheathing her claws and catching leaves between them. The green eyed warrior looked quiet deep in thought.

_ So much for being observant._ "What are you doing?!" Ivypool hissed quietly. "You'll wake up every piece of prey in the forest! We can't have that happen so close to Leafbare."

What? Huh?" Hollyleaf's head snapped up with a confused expression, as if she had seemed to come out of a trance. "Sorry, I was thinking. It's not like me to be so clueless, I know."

Ivypool was exasperated. "You can't hunt when you think too much."

"Can you hunt and not think at all?" Hollyleaf retorted.

"Can you stop being a mousebrain?"

"Fair enough." Hollyleaf flattened her tail and crouched low to the ground, pricking her ears. She snaked skillfully through the tangled briars and brambles until she couldn't be seen. Ivypool stood there waiting with evened breathing, not twitching a single muscle. _If you're so determined to prove a point, then prove it. I'll just sit here and watch you and your stubbornness fail. _Ivypool smirked. _I'm just as stubborn as you are._

A small squeak was heard, a rustle of leaves, then silence.

_ She actually _found_ something in this weather?_

Ivypool watched in disbelief as Hollyleaf quietly emerged from the maze of thorns with a dead shrew in her jaws. She carefully set it on the ground and began to dig a hole.

"As you can clearly see, this is a shrew, not a mouse brain." Hollyleaf quipped in an amused voice. "Although I wish it was a vole..."

_ Arrogant cat! _Ivypool thought to herself. Although she could admire the warrior's skill. "We'll have to move somewhere else. The prey has all been scared away from your 'thinking' - she exaggerated the word - save that one stupid shrew."

"Nonsense. There is plenty of prey to find. You just have to find it." Hollyleaf vainly tried to pull the leaves out of her claws, but to minimal success. She eventually decided to leave them be. She sat down on her haunches, annoyed. "I need to stop tracking leaves. Why are they even so hard to pull out of your claws to begin with? They're leaves! I have an easier time searching Mousefur for ticks…"

Ivypool tuned out the rest of Hollyleaf's annoyed ranting, for at that moment her belly suddenly reminded her of why she had left so early to go hunt. The queasy feeling in her belly had gotten worse. It was tolerable earlier, but now it was impossible to ignore. _Still, I have to. I have to remember his death was a necessity. Otherwise, they'll kill me. I can't show remorse. Remember self; no emotions._

…_You're talking to yourself again._

Ivypool's stomach loudly gurgled in protest. The revulsion she felt was so strong, that she was sure her prey from last night would come back up.

"A-Actually, I don't really feel like hunting anymore, I'll just go head back to camp-"

She chanced to turn around and instantly regretted it. Hollyleaf was staring her down with her intense and sharp eyes.

"There's something wrong." Hollyleaf quietly meowed. "I've never heard you stutter."

Ivypool felt green. "Well, I do sometimes." She tried to conceal her nauseated face. "Not every cat can be perfect like you." However, Hollyleaf didn't roll her eyes like she usually would. She was still staring at Ivypool with a strange expression.

_ Suspicion!_

"…You're hiding something, and you're trying to distract yourself by occupying your paws with something to do."

Ivypool silently cursed to herself. _How can she pick up on all that just by watching me? Are Lionblaze and Jayfeather _sure_ she doesn't have a power? I don't know what I'd have to do if she finds out I train in the Dark Forest!_

"What would make you say that?" she replied as evenly as she could. She wasn't proud of it, but she was good at hiding her feelings.

"Is it a cat from another Clan?"

"What?" Ivypool was confused now._ She must be sensitive to the whole forbidden romance thing. _"No!" she honestly replied, slightly annoyed. "If you're going to accuse me, then at least have it make sense!"

"It must have been a death you're trying to hide then. You're too quick to defend yourself and, well, you seem positively green."

Ivypool's blood ran cold_. Th-there's no way she could know just by watching me. She can't have...how..._

A pause happened, then complete silence. "You killed a cat, didn't you?"

_ Think fast!_

"It's against the warrior code to kill another cat in cold blood. Besides, why would I kill another cat?" Ivypool looked around over to where Hollyleaf was sitting - now standing by the buried shrew. Her expression was unreadable, but her claws were unsheathed.

_ Foxdung, she's going to kill me!_

"If you're going to fight me, you'll have to find a better reason." Ivypool replied in a slightly panicked voice. "Killing me isn't going to help either."

Hollyleaf's voice was even and calm, but Ivypool could see her eyes widen in shock at the world 'killing'. "I'm not going to kill you," she sincerely replied with a slight hint of disbelief in her voice, "I just want to know why."

"Then why are your claws unsheathed?" _I can't tell what she's thinking! This is bad, this is bad, this is _bad_-_

"I have leaves stuck to my claws and if I retract them the leaves will just get even more stuck." Hollyleaf replied in an annoyed, blunt tone. "Bothersome things, leaves. But onto my question. Why did you kill a cat?"

"Isn't it a little hypocritical to accuse me of killing a cat when you indirectly killed Ashfur?" She switched the topic. Ivypool hoped that it would shock Hollyleaf enough to at least allow her to get enough distance between them if it did come to a fight. Both of them were skilled in fighting, and were possibly evenly matched. That's not even taking into account the moves Hollyleaf developed on her own. She just didn't know if she could win if it came to it, especially when she felt so nauseous. _Or win without k-killing her...I couldn't..._

"I didn't indirectly kill him, I killed him with my own jaws. Brambleclaw told a lie to protect me from my Clan's wrath." As Ivypool stared dumbstruck with her jaw hinged open at the dark warrior, she saw Hollyleaf turn away from her gaze.

Now it was Ivypool's turn to be shocked. "Why would you tell me this? M-more importantly, why would you lie to your Clan? You should trust that we would forgive you! Also, how do I not know that you are lying?!"

Hollyleaf continued on as if she hadn't heard her. "I was willing to forfeit my life and make things right again. But I realized something. Even if I had stopped Brambleclaw from defending me, even if I was forgiven, it wouldn't make things right. Ashfur is still dead. I am still a murderer. Nothing changes. I'd gain forgiveness over nothing!" Hollyleaf's tail lashed about in anguish, her eyes bright and wide with fear and loathing.

"I once tried to start over, and I lost _everything. _My Clan, my family, and anything I took for granted. And it was I who destroyed them. I almost ruined my Clan, all because I was too selfish and arrogant to accept that I was born outside the warrior code. I deserve to die."

Ivypool genuinely didn't know what to say. "I...er..."

"But...even though I am not a good cat, I still want to live. I'll still fight, and do everything it takes to redeem myself a little, even if it's impossible. Even though I'll be a murderer the rest of my life, even though I deserve to die, I will still have hope I can make things right! I'm going to _live_, not just for me, but for the cats who still need me."

_ She...she still wants to live, even though she's done so many evil things?_

"Why are you being so honest?" Ivypool inquired.

"Honesty is my greatest friend in this situation." Ivypool had never seen the proud she-cat so _broken _before. "Lies and deceit lead to pain and suffering."

_ Yes, it does._ Ivypool agreed_. But some suffering and pain you can't escape. _She thought of the Dark Forest, of Antpelt, of the cats that trained there, deceived into thinking they were becoming better and loyal warriors. And once, she was one of them. She had fallen for their lies, desperate to be 'special'. _I was such a fool._ Now, it was too late to back out. She had to carefully conceal her true self, forcing herself to become an emotionless, ruthless killer.

She wouldn't socialize much with her Clanmates either. The knowledge that she might have to fight her own Clanmates one day just to keep pretending she was a loyal Dark Forest warrior had forced her to keep her distance. Creating strong ties would only hurt them further. _I can forget a mate or kits. They'd just be leverage for the Dark Forest to use against me. I don't want any more suffering if I can help it. I…don't want to suffer any more._

She turned her gaze towards Hollyleaf, who was still vainly trying to pull the leaves out of her claws. She looked like an irritated finch trying to preen its feathers. It was quite amusing to watch. In that moment, she could almost forget the dark knowledge that Hollyleaf had trusted her with. But the sorrow in the air overpowered any act Hollyleaf might have been pulling. Was she just another cat she had to distant herself from? Was her punishment for her jealousy and the cruel treatment towards her sister as an apprentice that she was doomed to be alone, always fighting? And yet, her only true friend was her sister.

She looked down at her paws that would inevitably be bloodied tonight. When would it end?

Ivypool force back the bile in her throat. "What can you do when you can't escape those emotions you're trying to run away from? What can you do when you have to put on a mask to keep from breaking yourself?"

Hollyleaf stopped picking at her paws and looked up at Ivypool with an uncertain look. "Honestly, I can't tell you that. All I can do is live on. I'll defy what I deserve, and keep my pride and skill as a warrior alive. I'll hold onto the hope I can be forgiven. It might just be my last." She looked away rather sadly. "My time in the tunnels has taught me that I can't escape my past. I can only move forward, or lose myself in my sorrows. I…I'm a selfish cat, feeling sorry for myself."

_ I'm a selfish cat too, Hollyleaf. I purposely hide my true self behind lie after lie, just to keep myself alive. But…is that wrong? Am I coward for continuing this façade?_ Ivypool felt a lump form in her throat. _I…am afraid. And, I'm so sick and tired of holding in my emotions! _

"I'm so sick of it all." Ivypool suddenly burst out. "Everything! Every time, it's the same, and every time, I just spit out lie after lie! Nothing changes, nothing is resolved, I'm just…I'm going around in circles! I don't want to be afraid anymore. I hate being scared!" Ivypool felt her voice crack. "I…I'm so tired of being alone!"

Ivypool felt fur brush against her, and suddenly she was being attacked by a dark pelted warrior. The cat looked at her with unimaginable anger, staring with a gaze that felt like it could slice Ivypool's pelt into shreds.

"You are _never_ alone."

Ivypool felt her eyes darken in disbelief_. H-How can you say that? Why are you not trying to kill me now for all I've done?_

"You'll never know true loneliness, until every cat has abandoned you. Even if you only have a single friend or cat who believes in you, that cat is still there for you." Hollyleaf looked at Ivypool with a broken expression. "So aren't they worth living for?"

"I…I…" Ivypool was at a loss for words. She was always so calm, so expressionless, so in control. Why were her emotions suddenly bursting out? Is it because…she finally met a cat who understood the self-loathing she felt? Or was that calm and in control cat just the mask she wore, and she was being herself for once? _I don't know who I am anymore._

"I don't want to live for myself anymore." Hollyleaf looked away in the distance towards the mountains, the chilly wind buffeting her face. "I'm really not that important. And you, Ivypool?"

Ivypool felt as if the air around her had been sucked away from her. She knew exactly what Hollyleaf was going to say, and the knowledge that she couldn't cut her deeply.

"You need to learn to love yourself."

Ivypool forced herself to look happy. "I will," she lied, painfully aware of the anguish that tore at her mind. "You're right. I can't expect myself to do it all. I'm just one cat. Isn't that what Dovewing says?"

Hollyleaf closed her eyes and let the wind blow through her fur, looking almost at peace. Ivypool padded over to her and sat on her haunches close by the graceful warrior, once more forcing herself to be some cat she wasn't. She envied that Hollyleaf could forgive herself. Or maybe that was just Hollyleaf trying to be brave. She couldn't tell what the solemn warrior was thinking anymore.

_ You are right about one thing. _Ivypool thought to herself. _Trying to do it all is impossible. You trust me so much, and yet…you're so in the dark. If you only knew what I was doing, you'd never forgive me._

Another darker, less welcomed thought entered her head. _If you trust me enough to reveal that you purposely killed Ashfur, then should I...I tell you? Keeping this a secret...it's killing me! _The bile she could taste on her tongue and the scars on her body attested to that truth_. I…I'll go mad at this rate._

"Antpelt." she quietly muttered, despite the turmoil in her mind. "He was named Antpelt."

Hollyleaf opened one eye and tilted her head towards Ivypool with an unreadable face. "He's the cat you killed, isn't he? I can tell by your reluctance to talk about him."

"Y-Yes." Ivypool admitted. "I...I had no choice."

She saw that the green eyed warrior looked shocked, but also with some sort of understanding. Hollyleaf's gaze became solemn, and reminded Ivypool of a mentor about to lecture its apprentice. "Then you must never forgive yourself. You have to live on and carry their memory with you, otherwise they'll become forgotten."

_ He's gone forever. I can never carry his memory with me._

Hollyleaf's eyes were bright with some emotion Ivypool couldn't figure out. "You don't need to have regrets. You need to remember who you are, what you fight for, and what you've done. If you lose sight of yourself, then you lose what makes you who you are."

"I know." Ivypool softly and simply stated, a hard look in her eye. _I-I need to control myself. I just don't have the freedom yet to show my emotions. I have a mission to complete and I'll do so without regrets. I'll bloody my paws, act the role of the perfect Dark Forest warrior, and distance myself from my Clanmates once again. Until then, my feelings don't matter. I'm sorry, Hollyleaf. But it's for your own good._

However, in the turmoil of her mind, she felt a small sliver of peace. _But you're right. I'm not one of them, I know it. Even though I'll lie once again to every cat and betray them, I know I'm not evil. I am Ivypool, and I will fight with every breath I have and all my strength to save the Clans! _

Suddenly, a small surge of wind buffeted the two she-cat's fur, chilling the air. Both visibly shuddered.

"Can you sense it?" Hollyleaf meowed. Her face was furrowed in a frown. "The wind...it's so ominous."

Ivypool felt it too. It was a warning of the blood, death, and destruction that was inevitable in the Dark Forest's wake. So many cats...just how much damage would they cause? How many cats were going to die? Could the Clans...could they even win?

Hollyleaf's eyes were dark. "It feels as if a lot of cats are about to die soon."

* * *

Thank you for taking the time to read this! ^^ It's my first serious one-shot, and I hope to make more like this in the future!


End file.
